The one with the pack roadtrip
by SlytherinCullen
Summary: Our teen wolves go on a road trip fic! Featuring Derek's passion for musicals, Isaac's soft side, Allison alive and jealous, a side order of stydia, and some scira to complete possibly my best fic milkshake of all time!
1. Chapter 1:

**AN: just a funny teen wolf story about a road trip to Mexico. Based in happy land were Isaac is not gone and Allison lives**

**please read and review**

Stiles checked the time on his watch, he drummed impatiently on his steering wheel.

"We're gonna be late!"

"Late for what?" Derek retorted, "your schedule?"

"this road trip has been planned precisely," Stiles argued, "but until Allison decides to come downstairs us four are stuck running late for my road trip schedule."

"why am I here on you scheduled road trip," Derek enquired, "I have so many better things I could do in this time."

"you have to be here to help Lydia," Scott soothed, " we need to find the oracle to help explain her banshee powers. Lydia needs to stay safe"

"okay but did the oracle have to live in Mexico?" Derek whinged.

"shut-up Derek!" Lydia shrieked rolling her eyes, "you're so ugly."

"not my problem!" Derek retorted.

"ohhh burn!" Isaac observed.

"what is the purpose of you, your sooooo ugly!" Lydia groaned.

"no bickering!" Stiles authoritized, with all the authority of a road trip organiser.

The plan was to drive for several days to make it to Mexico where the oracle could work with Lydia on controlling said banshee powers.

Allison applied a coat of lip gloss, pushing her breasts up to display her cleavage. Derek was tired of waiting and had come up to get her. "You look Hot", Derek replied.

"Uggh Derek! Stop sneaking up on me!" Allison whined covering her naked body.

"My life is so unfair, you are mean to me and your aunty is a bitch!" Derek broke down in tears.

"it's okay Derek," Allison soothed, "I know your relationship with my aunt wasn't smooth but she's changed. And when we visit her on the way you'll have to deal with any feelings you have for her."

"okay," Derek stopped crying, "shall we go,"

Allison grabbed her suitcase and headed downstairs and climbed into stiles jeep.

THEY WERE OFF.

The car was arranged thus: Lydia in the front next to Stiles, who was driving seeing as it's his jeep. Derek was on the other side of Lydia moodily glancing out of the window pensively. In the back area Scott and Kira and Aliison and Isaac. Kira was sitting too close to Scott for Allisons taste.

"I wish Aiden come have come" Lydia voiced her opinion, side-eying Stiles to gauge his reaction (they had recently engaged in a hot make-out session in Peter's garage and hadn't spoken about it since it happened)

"Me too" Stiles alleged danger in his voice. The tension was physical between them.

Isaac saw Allison's pained expression looking at Kira and Scott's enclasped hands.

"I know your upset about your father's passing" Isaac began

"Woah. Way to kill the mood." Derek said

Allison breathed out dramatically "I'm dealing with it. It's just hard sometimes like I need someone to hold me."

Isaac's eyes widened "I'm here"

"Yeah…" Allison looked wistfully at Scott.

"If you ever need to talk…"

Allison ignored him and continued fantisising about when Scott has looked at her like he was looking at Kira, she was over it but she didn't want to see him _fawning_ over Kira like she was _special _to him. She, Allison, was Scott's first love… and first loves are forever. Allison pouted sexily and fluttered her eyelashes at Scott. Kira took it the wrong way:

"do you need a tampon Allison, because I sense your menstruating. It a kitsitnay thing. I can also sense boners." Kira looked at Derek as he stared out the window; hoodie on lap.

"I am menstaruting thanks for telling everyone," Allison began

"It's okay Allison, this is a safe space," Isaac said

"Whut?" Allison said,

"This is awks" Stile said "put the radio on"

Lydia twirled the knob on the radio it fell off. "I'll sing instead" She said grinning

"Lydia's a great singer!" Kira offered

_You don't know her, bitch. _Alison thought. "I know she's amazing, She should go on x-facter"

Stiles smiles at Lydia "I'm not really in the mood" Lydia says shyly "I'm not that good" Her eyelashes swept down as she looked at the floor, embarrassed

"Near, Far wherevvvvveeer you are, and I knowwwwww…" Derek began

"SHUT-UP DEREK!"

"We want Lydia not you!"

"But jack's gone," Derek tearfully took the tissue offered to him by Isaac

"safe space dude!" Issac said patting Derek's mournful face.

The pulled onto the motorway and decided to play eyespy

"I spy with my little eye, Allison looked around something, "beginning with SC!"

"ohhh two letters, hard."

"yes, what I can see is hard!" Allison giggled coyly.

"Salt crystals!" Lydia proposed…. Nope

"Scott's coat" Kira suggested sliding her hand inside said garment… nope

"Stiles' car?" Isaac smiled… nope, not even close

"Sodium Chloride" Lydia suggested smartly…. Nope

"I keep thinking it must be penis related but I don't know what would begin with SC" Derek said, he had been previously ignoring this game and now he looked enchantingly puzzled.

"SCOTT'S CROTCH! Stiles announced triumphantly.

"pesky kids!" Allison scowled looking at stiles and Derek.

The car journey continued escalating into a game of top five.

"let's see…" Lydia began, "Aidan, maybe Jackson, Gunner, Clint, and…" Stiles fingernails sank into the leather upholstery. "I don't know… SCOTT?" she giggled. Stiles; cried inwardly.

"Isaac, do best childhood memories" Lydia said without thinking "OH MY GOD I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON" She corrected herself "Isaac I'm sorry."

"It's okay. This car is a sanctuary" Isaac smiled softly "Ice-cream at the zoo with my mom. School plays. Watching _The Lion King_. When I made the Lacrosse team. First date with Allison."

"Aw" everyone alleged in Unison

"Derek, top five funny moments," Kira giggled, she loved top five

"urrm," the dark male repositioned his hoodie, "there was this one time I played the triangle for Paige…" he spent a moment collecting himself, "Oh yeah! When me and my dead sister went to the doctors to get our MMR vaccines she bit me, that was funny." He stared out the window remorsing the second loss, "hahahaha… oh god… Stiles do you remember that time when I asked you to cut my arm..hahaha… off! Oh god… good times…" Derek stared at the slight scar on his arm. "Urrmm… I faked my own death one time… or twice… or that time I actually nearly died… omg lol to the max.. hahahaha."

Everyone was silent for several moments.


	2. Chapter 2: Derek Knows Best

"Ohhhhhkay" Kira laughed nervously. "Stiles your low on diesel"

"We'll have to stop" Stiles agreed

"Fucking duh" Lydia responded

Lydia toyed with the giant map for a second "Why do you only had Ordance Survey Maps?"

"I have them for all of the US" Stiles grinned

"So the little tank is petrol station's right?" Lydia alleged

"I wanna buy mentos" Allison said

"And chips"

Stiles and Lydia bickered over the directions while nobody else helped with directions.

"Buy a sat-nav" Lydia finally snapped

"Genius idea!" Stiles said, his voice dripping with sarcasm "I'll just go over to all the handy sat-nav shops around us…" he gestured wildly at the empty landscape "Why didn't _I_ think of that. You, genius, you."

"Shut it, Stilinski. Just because you can't even navigate out of your bedroom…"

"Please get married" Kira muttered under her breath "they're so cute. I totes ship it." she intoned to Scott who smirked.

They finally the petrol station. It had a Wetherspoons and a trinkity gift shop which Isaac forced Derek into. Allison Kira and Scott went to buy enough food to last sevral hours. Lydia went to use the little-girls room… so did Derek.

"So, Stiles asked, what did you all get."

"I dwidn't fworgwottwogwetcrwisps," Allison mumbled her mouth full.

"I got this cute shirt!" Isaac announced, he held up a bag, it's a surprise for someone who needs a bit of love this trip"

I took a while to get everyone assembled and back into the Jeep. Isaac needed the toilet, twice. Kira forgot to buy a toothbrush, so they had to turn around. Lydia had to run back for her phone which she had left on a ledge above the third sink to the left in the bathroom. Finally, Stiles lost patience. "I'm driving away right now so unless it's life-threathening you can't go back, got it?" Scott decided not to mention he wanted to buy a heated u-shaped travel pillow, which were at great prices in this petrol station.

They had only driven for a short while when rain began to pour down and they had a Disney sing-song.

"LOVE IS AN OPENDOOOO_OOOOROOOR!" Scira dueted.

"horrifying," mumbled Alison putting some crisps into her mouth.

"I want to sing reflection form Mulan!" Lydia announced, "attention whore!" mumbled Stiles, as Lydia sang in hauntingly beautiful pervfect pitch.

Isaac sang _He's a tramp_, Derek didn't look too pleased at the lyrics being mostly directed to him.

"He's a tramp… but he loves it… breaks a new heart… everyday… he's a TRAMP!"

"ooo, oooo, ooo,ooo" Scira harmonised

"He adores it… yeah even I have got it really bad."

"SHUT UP Isaac! it's my turn," Derek announced just to silence Isaacs weirdly sexual cover.

"I will be singing _mother knows best_ from Tangled.

Suddenly thunder struck

_"Look at you as a fragile as a flower. Still a little beta, just a sprout…"_

"…did he say _beta_?"

"I think he did"

_"You know why you always follow the alpha!"_

"NO?"

_"that's right to keep you safe from Peterrrr."_

"wait whut?" Scott frowned.

_"Guess I always knew this day was coming, knew that soon you'd want to leave the paaaack! Soon but not yet, trust me pet. DEEEEREEEEK knows best!"_

"oh dear lord no," Lydia sighed.

_"Derek knows best, listen to your alpha. It's a scary world out there. Derek knows best, one way or another something will go wrong I sweeaaaar!"_

"Please stop!" Kira pleaded.

_"Darachs, dogs, were-coyote, kanimas, nogisunays and hunters…. The plague."_

"hey!" Allison yelled

_"shush, also wolfs bane, Deucaliun and toenails" _

"stop!" Kira pleaded.

"no-more!" Scott wailed.

"you'll just upset him!" Isaac stated understandingly. He didn't want Derek to get offended

_"Derek's right here, Derek will protect you, all I have is one requessssssst.."_

"are you done now?" Allison asked.

_"stop the panic, stay in my pack. DEREEEEK… knows, best!"_

For the second time that day Derek silenced the jeep.

They drove on and the fun was starting to wear off. They were all thirsty as they hadn't bought anything to _drink_ and the singing had taken its toll.

"Where are we stopping for the night?" Lydia asked

"Erm…" Stiles said "That was Scott's job ask him."

"I definitely remember it was Isaac's job"

"It wasn't"

"I can't believe this." Lydia grumbled "I am the only one here who _plans_ things?!"

"We'll just have to find something nearby. I'll use Siri." Allison alleged "Siri, find me a hotel"

"Do you want me to do a web search for _'How Freda knows hell'_?"

"Fuck it" Allison sighed tapping the internet app with disappointment.

"How about that motel, Derek suggests?

"NOOOOO!" everyone except Kira screamed.

Unfortunately there was no other choose than that motel, so they decided to spend the night there

"Excuse me, sir. Um, madam" Stiles said awkwardly to the woman in the booth.

"I am a woman. I HAVE CURVES" She snapped. Not a good start.

"I can see that. Um, obviously" Stiles said awkwardly. Lydia was suppressing a smile.

"We need, like, um, 3 rooms" Stiles had not counted they number in their party.

After getting handing the room cards, Derek pointed out that they were a party of 7 and so two doubles and a triple room was kind of inconvenient for him because he needed a room alone

"Why?"

"I drink the blood of my enemies and it might put a room mate off"

Stiles raises his eyebrows disbelievingly

"Okay" Derek frowned "I have a very intense moisturising ritual"

"So Derek on his own, then me Isaac and scott, and then the girls!" Stiles laughed.

"no we need to stimulate love triangles," Allison pointed out, "how about me Scott and Isaac, Stiles Kira and Lydia."

"…or my plan?" Stiles argued.

So they all settled under Stiles' arrangements.

The night was rough. Isaac had left his teddybear, Stiles his special pillow, and Scott had forgotten his overnight toning waist-band. Derek's razor wasn't working so his ritual was ruined, he cried himself to sleep. Lydia was overthinking her relationship with Stiles, Alison was over thinking ways she could smother Kira, and Kira was trying to remember the lyrics to Derek's _mother knows best_ cover.

The following morning Derek was distraught, he'd forgotten his toothbrush, he didn't have a clean shirt and he had dehydrated skin.

"It's okay," Isaac comforted Derek, "Lydia has moisturiser…"

"it's not the same though,"

"We'll buy you a new bottle, okay?" Isaac smiled.

"What about my shirt?"

"I brought you a present at the petrols station, it's a shirt for you.

Isaac produced a plain white XXXL t-shirt with black letters reading "FREE HUGS", "it's gonna look great on you." Derek went to borrow Lydia's moisturiser sulkily.

Allison laughed evily, last night she had ripped all Kira's t-shirts. Allison felt amazing.

"WHO RIPPED MY SHIRTS!"screamed Lydia.

"balls" thought Allison, she'd ripped Lydias shirts.

"it's okay Lydia, you can borrow one of my shirts" Isaac offered.

"…or she could borrow mine seeing as your weird?" Stiles suggested.

"cool." Lydia said. Going into Stiles's room and picking a big plaid blue flannel shirt, that she wore with acid-wash skinny jeans.

"you look great!" Stiles smiled.

"No, she doesn't!" Derek said sulkily, "these shirts… no fit!" he had lydia's face mask on.

Everyone laughed when a small child ran to Derek and threw their arms around him, "thank-you kind hugging man!" the child lisped. Derek was rigid as a bored… "I'm not okay with displays of any positive emotion!" he weeped in the car.

Scott was poking his abs in a disappointed fashion. Kira wasn't.

The party returned to the road. To Allison's horror Kira actually looked really hot in hotpants and a belly top. Allison removed her top to compete with Kira's hotness.

"woah… damn girl!" Derek grinned.

"if that's how you wish to express your emotions Alison that's okay don't let anyone stop you. You go girl!" Isaac had filled a jar with tiny slips of paper. On the paper there were compliments. They went around the car. Selecting a compliment and reading it… It didn't work.

"Be happy that you can leave high school behind soon, you have an amazing life ahead of you…" Derek scowled at Isaac.

"It's okay to be sexually nervous, waiting is good," Lydia frowned.

"At least your parents aren't constantly doing life threatening things." Stiles rolled his eyes.

"be glad that you're in love!" Allison shook her head.

"Age is just a number," Kira sighed.

"at least you have your health." Scott pouted.

"You're an amazing person, you are smart and courageous, your dreams and aspirations are relevant. The skies your limit, and if you reach for the stars you'll get them because you are an exceptionally extraordinary being!" Isaac grinned happily. "There great aren't they. I spent last night doing them to get rid of the bad Motel California vibes"

"Yeah fucking fabulous."

The drive continued, they speculated which teachers were paedophiles, Derek shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He reassured himself that he knew these underage teens in a legally non-threatening way. He couldn't think of one though.

The drive continued, Kira worked out the age difference between her parents, Alison put her top back on, Isaac gave Stiles emotional support for unknown reason and Lydia pulled the sleeves of Stiles' shirt over he hands to keep them warmer.

"that looks adorable on you!" Stiles flirted shamelessly.

"Good compliment Stiles, way to go!" Isaac pumped.


	3. Chapter 3: Why Kate gotta be so mean

**AN: this chapter gets a bit weird (and by weird i mean kinda kinky) but! there's another Derek musical number!**

Later on in the long drive, they stopped on the roadside for Scott to pee. Isaac made a feelings stick, Derek flirted with the woman driving her family on a family holiday, and Isaac tried to force Derek into using the feelings stick.

"Scott, do you think Alison flirts with you too much," Kira asked as Scott relieved his bladder.

"why? we're young…"

"but aren't you and I … you know,… _you and I_?"

"We're not a _you and I._ We're an us…"

The two kissed passionately.

Scott got pee on Kira's shoes.

The drive continued. Nothing note-worthy happened until Isaac brought up Scott and Allison's lost love.

"I totally shipped you guys, I don't think Scott and Kira will last till prom!" Isaac whispered at Scott the next line, "I'd get Alison a purple corsage!"

Kira stared at her pee stained shoes longing for Isaac's approval.

The seven played ten fingers until Stiles pointed out he couldn't drink and drive, Isaac rejected the negative emotions surround the word never, Kira pointed out the rest of them were underaged and Derek got emotional over a Klaine fanfic he was reading.

"I'm sorry you guys… I never feel emotions but… Blaine just loves Kurt so much." Tears splashed on the free hugs shirt.

"it's okay, Isaac smiled wrapping his scarf around Derek's neck, "this is a magic scarf, it heals sadness."

Derek side-eyed Isaac dramatically.

Dereks sadness passed, and he continued his cold hard child-scaring stare terrifying kids driving past them.

Around noon on the second day of driving the jeep started making a weird chugging noise.

"It'll be fine" Stiles said nervously patted the dashboard

A funny smell, like leaking diesel filled the car

"Probably a minor problem…"

Foul black smoke was inching its way out of the bonnet

"Maybe I'll get it checked on the way back…"

Mid-sentence the bonnet exploded into flames

"SHIT! PULL OVER. PULL OVER. _PULL THE FUCK OVER._ OH MY GOD!"

The teens piled out of the car, coughing, onto the verge as Stiles stared in horror at the burning car. Derek pulled his FREE HUGS t-shirts off and stifled the flames with his bare hands.

"Werewolves are somewhat flame resistant"

"Cool."

Kira pulled out her _Nokia_ phone and dialled the AA for a tow-truck. "Ugh, they say it'll be a hour at least."

Derek sat on the ground "We'll wait then"

Waiting was not fun for the gang as they realised that even as they waited their deadline for meeting the oracle was becoming closer. "We can't afford to spend a hour waiting" Scott said obviously. "We have two options. Use public transport and get the jeep taken to meet with us later."

"Hmm…" Stiles pondered thoughtfully

"I vote with Scott" Kira alleged

"I think we should avoid conflict and make every effort to get along as a unit" Isaac put in

"NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE!" Lydia barked, "We should definitely wait for the allocated hour and then make plans"

"No. Let's take the bikes" suggested Allison

"what bikes?" asked Lydia, frowning.

Alison gestured to the troop of Harley Davidsons, they were lined up their bikers (obviously headed to some bikers convention) were all lined up at the ice cream van.

"ohhh ice cream!" Isaac grinned.

"so we steal a bike and ride off leaving the jeep, for the tow truck." Stiles nodded.

"We are not going to steal!" Derek exclaimed, "It's imorale!"

"excuse me sir!" Scott said nervously to a 18 stone old man with a beard tucked into his leathers, " but me and my friend need some bikes, can we urrm."

"you want OUR bikes."… the man paused to pay the ice cream man, "sure thing buddy, want my flake? We're going to buy new ones anyway at the convention a mile away. WE'll do doubles."

"I have a problem," Isaac confessed. "I can't drive!"

"Neither can I" murmered Kira!

"Don't worry you can go on my back!" Scott winked looking up and down to find the best bikes. Lydia you can go on this Bike."

"okay," Lydia straddled the bike and revved the engine sexily, she looked like a biker-chick with her messy road-trip hair and the fact that she was wearing a man's shirt. It wasn't a very typical Lydia look but it was hot.

"Stiles you take this baby!" Scott patted the bike enthusiastically; he handed Stiles the helmet. Stiles stared at Lydia mouthing _"Baby?"_ before mounting his bike. Derek had chosen a large silver bike, he put on his tight-fitting 'free hugs' shirt, put his aviators on. He looked hot.

"Alison, why don't you take this little one!" Scott pointed at a trike. On one hand she didn't want upset Scott on the other, he could piss off.

"I'll take that one!" she said mounting behind Derek, pushing herself into his manly form staring objectively at Scott.

"Watch the shirt girl!" Derek whined, "Isaac got me this!" Isaac was standing awkwardly on the edge of the group,

"Who do I ride with?" He asked tentatively

"Ride with Derek!" Alison said, her plan to spoon the elder man was ruined by his materialism. "I'm riding my own bike!"

The five bikes waved goodbye to the friendly bikers, and set sail on the freeway

Riding motorbikes came surprisingly easily to the teens who were used to adapting to new situations. They looked like a power-band, riding down the freeway majestically.

Kira was being mischievious. She slid her arms around Scott's torso teasingly. "Uh, Kira I need to concentrate." He said manlyly.

"Hmm… Really?" She murmured breathinging into his neck, her warm breath tickling his ear, as they rode at 80mph, which was wayyy too fast for Kira to be trying to distract Scott. She bit his ear (AN: like Derek did to Paige) And the bike swerved uncomfortable. "Kira… This isn't safe" He said. Kira didn't care; she liked the thrill of biting Scott's neck whilst racing down the freeway. She wasn't a girly-girl and so she wasn't scared of thrill-seeking.

Allison noticed the snuggling between the two. And feel a thrill of white-hot anger course through her like lightning in the dessert. She had hoped that this trip would bring her and Scott back togetrh and instead _Kira_ was on the trip and kept licking his neck or something. Allison wasn't close enough to really see, but she knew.

Derek stood up on the back of his bike, he began twerking removing his trousers to reveal his buttocks to the horrified family.

"let's get down to buisnesss!" he began!

"NOOOOOOO!" stiles shrieked.

"mummy look there's a man with his willy out singing mulan songs! LOOK!"

"to defeat the HUN!" Derek twerked nude whilst enthusiastcily singing Disney.

"yeah we're not with him," scott smiled nervously at the horrified parents accelerating away

"So we're staying with my lovely Aunt Kate" Allison alleged as the bikes pulled up outside a huge apartment modern building "Its just for a day- our last stop on the tour to Mexico. What with Lydia getting worse."

Isaac nodded sympathetically to Lydia as they marched to the front door.

Derek shifted unconfortably as he and Kate had an unconfortable past, not only had she murdered nearly his entire family, she was also his ex-girlfriend – majorly awkward.

"Hey ladies, gentlemen and potato-face!" Kate smiled opening the doors, "how's the family Derek? Still dead?"

"Now Kate," Isaac interrupted, "I understand I'm just a guest and we've only met, but you must understand that Derek is clearly inwardly distressed about your murdering his entire family and going on holiday with teenagers!"

Kate ignored the sentimental teen, "nice shirt Derek," she gave him a hug. Everyone was silent.

"Auntie!" Alison smiled embracing the blonde.

"great to see you! Come inside and pick a sleeping bag, we're sleeping in the lounge"

"ohhh a slumber party!" Lydia grinned, "I have face masks if Derek didn't use them all."

"don't worry sweetie" Derek grumbled, "as soon as we pass a Clarins counter I'm restocking."

Kate sashayed into her lunge, leading the party.

"I want to leave" Derek muttered in an undertone quietly to Scott

"We don't have anywhere else; It's free, she's buying us food. And if she pisses you off you can always kill her. She's outnumbered." Scott said reassuringly.

Derek growled.

Kate smiled at Allison and indicated the sleep den set up in the lounge.

Scott was aroused. Kira had licked and nuzzled and breathed on his face the entire ride and now he was feeling frustrated. "Kira we should have sex"

Kira paused for a moment adjusting her curly dark hair. "Scott…

Alison over heard the convo and placed her sleeping bag between the two of them. _There, _she thought_ no sex for my scotty-boo tonight, result Alison!_

Lydia pressed her pelvis onto Stiles leg as the two of them cuddled up. They were watching the film _House Bunny _

"it's loosely based on my life," Kate grinned at Derek, his arms were folded over his chest hiding the inviting free hugs shirt.

"OMG! You were a bunny!" Isaac asked, "So cool!"

They danced along to "_when I grow up" _they ate raw cookie dough and did manicures. Derek was painting Isaacs toenails a coral pink whilst Kira did Alison a French. The others were singing to MTV, except Stiles and Lydia:

"So what were you saying," Lydia asked as Stiles as he caressed her neck with kisses. She was sitting on the kitchen counter legs around his middle. The onsie-clad duo were in a heated kiss.

"I don't think it's healthy for me to be with you," he said letting her plant kisses on his chest (his onsie was slightly unzipped) "what with the third grade crush thing."

"Yeah, yeah cool" she said pulling him into a passionate lip-lock. She pulled him down so they were vertical on the kitchen island. The pair grinded until Scott walked in – he was tearing up.

"Dude?" Stiles asked hopping off the counter and placing a hand on his bro's arm.

"Kira doesn't want to have sex with me." Scott lamented sadly "I'm _adorable_. Why wouldn't she?"

"awwwww bae! Don't you worry, she just needs time." Stiles rubbed his friends arm.

"your probably right!" Scott sniffed in a morose way.

"too right I am. Now leave please me and Lydia were discussing politics."

"ohhh discussing politics… me and Kira can't discuss politics." Scott promptly broke down into tears weeping like a wee baby.

"Dammit Scott!" Lydia groaned. "go and talk to Isaac, he's on some weird Zen kick!"

"but I want my stiles-ey!" Scott winged.

"That's cool bro! and I want you too. But not right now."

"If I go talk to Isaac can I sit next to you at breakfast?" Scott bargained

"Sure you can, heck, I'll even pour your milk for you!"

Scott left the room waving at his friends as he left. Lydia pounced on stiles the moment Scott had left. He was so hot.

Derek had been left with the girls since Isaac had gone to the bathroom with Scott. Derek wasn't to happy about this. He sat grumpily whilst Allison licked his forehead (they were playing truth or dare)

"Now Kate!" Allison grinned, "Truth or dare?"

"urrm dare," Kate grinned, pulling her duvet around herself.

"Play chicken with Derek!" Kira exclaimed.

"yess! Do that!" Allison grinned eagerly, smiling at Kira despite their feud. _It was a good dare idea._

Kate nodded eagerly, flipping her hair and sliding over to Derek who remained still arms folded over the free hugs t-shirt.

FLASHBACK:_DEREK! Kate squealed as he ran his hand up and down her leg during dinner. _

_"Chris is opposite us!" she whispered girlyly._

_"I'm trying to eat my macaroni not watch you dry-hump a bonehead werewolf!" Chris whinnied_

_Kate laughed and planted a warm kiss on Derek's jaw. Derek was in love._

CURRENT DAY:

Kate ran her hand up Derek's thy. Leaning in seductively. He remained emotionless looking grumpy, he moved only to put a teddy bear over his crotch. Kate was dangerously close. But before the Kate could make impact Stiles burst in

"Derek do you have any jhonnies!" Derek darted across the room and removed four from the safe on the wall behind a nude portrait of himself.

"I can't believe you kept our secret condom place stocked up!" he said, touched by the gesture.

"I can't believe I kept the nude portrait!" Kate giggled.

"I can! It's lush!" Kira grinned fully noticing and appreciating the portrait.

"Ooohh 'little Derek' is huge!" Allison joked.

Isaac re-entered, consoling a weepy Scott. The both stared at the painting their eyes dropping to oil Derek's manhood.

"The GIRTH!" Isaac marvelled, grinning

Scott's eyes fell on Kira admiring said girth. "you want his penis but not mine… your such a bitch!"

"I'll sort him!" Allison said chasing after him (throwing her bra behind the sofa)

Derek grinned at Isaac and waved the condoms at him hopefully. Isaac nodded eagerly.

"Excuse me while I make some coffee!" Derek said, "Isaac?"

"I thought you were going to help me explore my sexuality by ravishing me in some hidy-hole?"

"urrm… just come Isaac!" they too left, Derek squeezing Isaac's perky buttocks.

Allison removed her top as she stroked Scott's hair from behind pushing her naked form against him.

"I know someone who's better than Kira."

"Stiles?" Scott weeped.

"Why don't you drink some alcohol motor-boat me and we'll see where the night takes us?"

"Are you going to get me drunk." Scott asked.

"Do you want to have sex with and feel guiltless or not?" Allison said turning Scott around so he could see her body.

Scott gulped and nodded.

"I got the contraceptz off Derek!" Stiles said waving them triumphantly above his head.

"ewww no way, Derek Hale germs!" Lydia and Derek had a strained relationship.

"They're in a _packet!_" Stiles argued, he wasn't about to miss his shot with Lydia.

"I don't want anything that _Derek_ brought penetrating my vagina!" Lydia retaliated.

"Risk it?" Stiles suggested hopefully.

"Seriously?" Lydia sighed. She dropped her onsie to the floor. "Let's not have anything beginning with p entering me tonight."

"Wait that means…" stiles' eyes went wide.

"Shut up, I still haven't forgiven you for going to Derek."

"Have I been a bad boy?" stiles grinned

Lydia gulped and nodded.

Derek and Isaac were in the kitchen. "Do you want to do this?" Isaac asked as Derek undressed "Are you sure your ready. This is a safe environment for love-making and I don't want either of us doing anything we're unconfortable with."

"Isaac shut up" Derek advised warningly, fully nude.

"I will not do anything, unless you fully consent verbally. This is a safe environment where we all must feel safe and supported in order too fully…"

Derek cut him off "Yes. Let's have sex now. Just shut up."

Kira walked up the stairs to the fifth guest room she was going to stay in. She opened the wrong door and *gasp* saw Allison and Scott fully nude having the sex.

"Scott!" Kira cried out "I thought we were an us!"

"Allison enchanted me with her feminine wiles" Scott alleged, pouting

"I can't believe this." Kira said "Screw you McCall. I hope you get kicked off the lacrosse team and get all of the STDs possible."

She stormed out and opened the next door, trying not to cry. She had the wrong door again! Stiles and Lydia were snogging aggressively in front of her.

She shut the door quietly, they were too engrossed in their passions to notice her. _Ugh _ she thought _peasants._

She walked into what was actually her room and flopped on the bed, thinking about Scott Mc-fucking-Call.

The next morning Kate baked home-made bread for their breakfast toasts.

Derek refused the bread eating kingsmill 50/50 instead to piss Kate off. (AN: Kingsmill 50/50 is the best!)

Kate rolled her eyes "Someone's tetchy"

"You killed my whole family! Except the parts of my family that are alive" Derek alleged incredulously.

"I'm sorry dereky-poo" she said sarcastically. What a bitch.

"Don't worry Derek my lover," Isaac grinned maniacally, "she's just trying to break the ice after being a murderous hoe. It's a safe space you two… have at it!"

"Scott and Allison had at it last night the horny horn horn dogs!" kira grumbled spreading nutella on her bread.

"I only shagged Allison because I felt rejected by you and she got me drunk!"

"charming!" Allison pouted, she was hurt by Scott's words, "I thought you loved me again!" Allison rose up and stormed out.

"ALLISON!" Kate ran after her niece.

"That's right run to your niece when she's _clearly_ the wrong person in the situation!" Derek called after Kate.

"AT LEAST I HAVE FAMILY TO RUN TO!" she burned on him.

"Oh snap" Scott and Lydia said in unison.

Derek sighed and burst into song:

_"You! With your words like tasers!_

_And Chinese ring daggers that you use against me!"_

"urrgh Derek not now!" Kira moaned. She stood up and followed Allison out with a stack of toast. Kate sat down to listen to Derek's grievances.

_"You! Have knocked me off my feet again,_

_got me feeling like a beta._

_You with your voice like mum's_

_Reminding me of the fact that you killed her."_

"Just let it out babe!" Isaac had tears in his eyes.

_"you! Picking on the weaker wolf!"_

"This is your second and FINAL musical number!" Lydia warned.

_"Well you can take me dow-o-own with just one wolfsbane bullet!_

_But you don't know, what you don't know._

_Someday I'll be running a massive wolf pack_

And all you'll be is a murderer"

"This is not even good," Stiles moaned running his hands through his hair sexily.

_"Someday I'll have a pack that can defend me_

_And all you'll be is a shit hunter,_

_why you such a bad hunter?"_

"I'd like you to stop now before my health is in danger." Scott requested.

"It's beautiful!" Isaac marvelled, while Kate watched on:

"…_and I can see you years from now in a home_

_Talking hunting strategies _

_With that same big loud opinion_

_But Chris, he aint listening_

_Because I fucked him and you're just this same old bitter bitch_

_Drunk and grumbling on about my fetish for kids_

_But all you are is mean._

_All you are is Kate_

_And a killer_

_But so sexy_

_Still not quite Chris Argent_

_And mean and mean and mean…_

_But someday I'll be shacked up with some cutie_

"I volUNTEERRRR!" Isaac shrieked

_"and all you'll be is my booty call_

_Yeah, yeah _

_Someday I'll have really cute mini Hales_

_And they won't share DNA with you_

_I'm never gonna love you cos I love Chris."_

"wait what?" Isaac frowned

"The truth's out… Chris and I have been together for two years"

"WHAT?!" Allison walked back in (her and Kira had forgiven each other whilst they'd been outside) after all female friendships and the pack was much more important than who shagged scott.

"Why'd you shag me then?" Isaac asked.

"The whole time I was picturing Chris!" Derek admitted.

"That's so creepy!" kira squirmed.

"Sorry Isaac, I just wanted dick and to repay you for buying me that cute top! I can't wait for Chris see it!"

"My dad… and you!" Allison frowned.

"My brother… and _you!_" Kate frowned.

"My lover… and Chris." Isaac frowned.

"_My_ lover and Chris!" Kate agreed.

"My lover's father and my alpha!" Scott frowned.

"My best friend's father and the nephew of my psychological torturer!" Lydia frowned

"Derek and Chris!" stiles frowned (he felt left out)

"yep!" Derek grinned, "let's hit the road this trip has improved since I got that off my chest

"I agree, you should leave" Kate embraced her niece "this was too weird. Especially Derek's song."

They hit the road. And as they drove down the motorway in the Jeep the teens marvelled at the quick fix of the jeep.

Kira smiled "I knew the AA would pull through"

Scott agreed. Kira glared him, she was still mad at him for cheating on her with Allison. She wasn't mad with Allison though: don't hate the player hate the game.

"So." Stiles began "we have to drive for 4 hours and then we hit the mexico border. We will make a pit-stop at a petrol station as per the yewsh. But check your passports now, getting arrested would be such a bother"

"Especially Scott" Kira muttered "'cause nobody would bail him out"

"Oh snap" Isaac hollered "Guuurrrll, you playing the jealous ex right now and that's not something you wanna waste your precious time doin'. 'Cha feel?"

"cha definitely feel," Kira scowled, "have you got your passport Derek?"

"yeah!" Derek put down his Scooby and pulled out his passport… it said he was 16.

"What the actual fuck Derek, you have fake ID saying youre two years too young to do anything!" Lydia frowned

"It's so I can go places with you guys and not have to play Dad all the time."

"YOU NEVER 'PLAY' DAD" everyone groaned in unison.

"What an ass-wipe!" Stiles frowned.

"IKR" Lydia giggled grinning happily at Stiles.

"fuck you too and your happiness!" kira shrieked! "does no one but Isaac feel my pain!"

"Shut up" scott rolled his eyes.

"Scott, don't be an idiot." Allison shoved him to the jeeps floor.

"yeah Allison you tell him!" Kira did a war cry as she jabbed his bum.

The two girls continued to poke Scott until he apologised to everyone in the car for

"…being an indecent, disgusting, terrible, yet surprisingly good at sex bad boy… happy now?"

"Very!" Kira smiled cuddling into her deeply bruised boyfriend.

"you guys are actually kinda cute," allison shrugged, "i wonder if i'll find love?"

"at least your not dead like in canon," Kira hugged her

"yeah that would marjorly suck!" Allison laughed

and then everyone joined in -even derek (as Allison was his new step-daughter) - and the jeep rolled down the road into the sunset.

**AN: this is a very long chapter but i couldnt decide where to break it up so sod it i'm posting it all**


End file.
